Public Service Announcement for those who have not been through a second marriage

Please don't contantly bring up my husband's exwife. It's not that I am jealous or have a problem with the fact that she exists, it just plain rude. Don't ask my husband how she is doing. They are divorced. He is no longer an active part of her life. Don't talk about all the things they did in the past together with you. Those times are over and I am his wife now. If you want to ask about someone, ask about how my husband is doing.. or me: his wife.. or our kids. Don't put up pictures all over your house of my husband's ex and expect me to be comfortable being around it. How would you like it if I asked your significant other how their exlove/boyfriend/girlfriend was doing and then start talking about how much fun we all had with him/her? Would you like it if you walked into my home and saw pictures of them in my home? Have the decency to show me and our marriage a little respect. Rudeness will only cost you in the long run.. it will cost you our friendship.

Beating Up Trees

Sometimes it's hard to not resent certain people in this situation. As much as I love and adore my hubby, I have moments of resentment. I resent having to deal with his ex and his parents. I resent that all of our money is having to go to an attorney to fight just to keep our family together. I know it's not really his fault... but.. it's hard to not blame him at times. That's my dirty little secret. I could never tell him that.. I love him too much to tell him that... but there are moments where it takes everything in me to NOT tell him that I hate him and I wish he would just take it all away. I know that he'd make it all go away if he could. It's hard. It's hard on everyone.

Overcoming those feelings are vital. I'm not sure that keeping them inside is really the best thing for my own feelings... but it saves my marriage at times. One thing I was taught when I was in high school to take out my anger and frustration in other ways... and my personal favorite was beating up trees. Yes, it sounds rediculous.. but there is something SO theraputic about taking a big strong stick and just beating the crap out of a tree. It's really too bad that we only have one tree in our yard... that poor tree. At least if there was more than one they could share the brunt of my frustration.. but instead the one sad tree in our backyard gets to taste my wrath.

The hardest parts of being custodial

With Alan, I was lucky enough to become part of his life at such a young age.. he was only 3 when I became a part of his every day life and functioned as a mother to him. He was calling me "Mommy" before he was 4. But still, no matter what I do, I cannot change his biology and I've accepted that. That was hard enough... but to have her be semi-active in his life is just horrifying. I've never met someone that showed such flagrent disregard for their biological child's feelings... Oh wait, I take that back.. she ranks right up there with my father and my hubby's crazy parents... they also care more about what is easiest for THEM instead of what would be best for their biological child. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to have children. Very very sad.

The most heartbreaking thing with her is that she was pretty much gone from his life and just thinks he can deal with her just popping in once a year. And now that she has sued us for custody, she's "tried" to be more involved (on the surface... she doesn't even ask how he is doing in school or how he is emotionally or physically)... but the WORST thing is that now she will tell him she is going to call him or send him something and then not do it. It was bad enough that she was not responding to his emails before and only calling every 3-6 months, but honestly I'd take that now over this. Now she's more obviously disappointing him. Before, he was just sad that he wasn't getting anything back in his email. Now, she's telling him to expect things and then not doing them. That's not right at all. It's heartbreaking to see her do that to him.. and she doesn't care that she does it at all. She doesn't see that it bothers him. He's doing okay.. he's easily distracted.. but he's been not wanting to email them back or talk to them on the phone and we've had to make him and now that I've seen what she is saying, I know why. She hurts him. He knows something isn't right and he doesn't like it and it makes him uncomfortable. This is just hard for me to watch as a parent especially since I'm not sure how to protect him from it. Anyone else I could just keep away from him.. but in order to protect him from her, we would risk having him taken from us. What a mess. So instead, we have to leave this little innocent child open to hurt.

On a Good Day

On a good day I can forget. On a good day, it's just us... our little family. On a good day, she doesn't even cross my mind. When I first met "Alan", he was just him. I never connected him to his biological mother.. .and that's the way it should be. When things have gotten tough and she has interjected herself into our lives, the reality of her being the biological mother sets in and makes for a bad day. I don't like thinking that way.

One thing that we as stepmothers HAVE to learn to do is completely seperate our stepchild from their mother in our minds, no matter what influence she has over them. Stepchildren are just kids... they are their own little individual people who need love and support just like any other kid... some even more so than other kids. We're not helping anyone by seeing them as part of the biomom/ exwife... especially not the kids. Yes, some children are difficult and it makes it really hard to deal with as a stepparent... epsecially if you are a stepparent with no authority over the children... but keep in mind that if your hubby expects you to be lassie fare in the rearing and discipline of the children, then he is going to have to step up and insist that they behave and show you and your home respect.

There will be good days and bad days... but in our home the good days far outnumber the bad. The good days make it all worth it.

My Other Half

Hubby is a great guy. I love him with all of my heart. One thing that he has been really great about is shutting up and just letting me rant when I need to. He's been really understanding about my feelings about being a second wife. He knows when I just need to be held, and when he needs to stay away and let me just be alone for a while. He shows total respect for me in the area of parenting and pretty much lets me rule the roost while he brings home the bacon.

Some days are harder than others. I've had a few breakdowns where I just don't think I can live this life... the life of a second wife and stepmom. For those that are not a second wife and stepmom, this will be beyond the realm of your understanding. That's one thing that my inlaws have a tough time with understanding. My feelings are not insecurity because of her. I'm not worried about him leaving me for her or cheating on me with her.. or anything else around her. Yes, I prefer to NOT stare at her face in my home or in my inlaw's home because it's unnecissary and disrespectful to me, but it has nothing to do with my marriage.. it's just uncomfortable and I prefer to not feel that way. She and I are not friends, she has not been a good mother to my stepson, and she's not a part of our lives, so why be bothered with it?

I've been very very lucky to have a husband that really tries to understand my feelings and be patient with me. Every day does get a little easier.. every month I get a little stronger.. every year being second matters a little less. Like I said before, I am second to NO ONE, and my husband is the first to remind me of that.

To me, that's so important that my husband is like that. I don't think a second wife can really survive without a strong marriage to a guy that understands or at least tries to. I've heard about husbands telling their second wives that they just need to get over it, and that's so wrong and hurtful. I can't imagine having someone do that.. I don't think we would still be together if hubby had been like that.

The divorce rate in our country is over 50%.. but that is for ORIGINAL marriages, but for second marriages of either party, that rate is even higher. You could contribute that to all kinds of different factors... lack of understanding, difficulties with exs or stepkids, and a ton of other things.. but everything will go back to a lack of respect for each other and the marriage. Respect is SO important. Communication and understanding... and patience are SO important. I really recommend that all remarried couples read the books that I have listed on this page, but especially encourage you to read Love and Respect and Happily Remarried. They are AMAZING books and have both had such a huge impact on us and our marriage.

Also, the Five Love Languages. Now, that book is one that taught me so much. Hubby and I studied this book in our sunday school class at church and we learned more about each other than I could have imagined. He learned what I need to feel love and I learned what he needs. They also make one about kids.. and that was a HUGE eye opener when I read it with my stepson in mind. His primary love language was one of the ones that I was weakest in, so I have since worked very hard to speak his love language and it's made a HUGE difference in our relationship. It's really hard to communicate and show respect to each other when you are speaking 2 different languages.

Custodial Stepmothering and The Mama Bear Syndrome

I'm one of the lucky stepmoms in that I got in my stepkid's life when he was very very young. Thanks to that I got to know him as a young toddler and to develop a relationship with him. Due to the fact that his biological mother had no involvement in his upbringing, I became the mother in his life. That's how hubby wanted it and I was fine with that. I love kids. I love most all kids. It's harder when it's someone else's kid that you are raising, though. It's not fair to assume a stepparent SHOULD love thier stepchild or even like them, as long as they treat them with fairness and respect that's really all that you can ask. I, however, fell in love with my stepson. To be honest, I would probably not given hubby the time of day when he asked me out for the 500th time if he had not had my adorable little 3 yr old stepson bouncing around him at the time.

Unfortunately in our country a lot of times the biological mother is granted custody based mostly on the fact that she is the mother, not that she would provide the best home for the child. Fathers get screwed in our system a lot of times. Hubby and his ex didn't go through the court, but if they had he still would likely have won based on his ex wanting to move the children back to her home country, but you never know... especially in the south. Judges here do have a biased towards the mother, but it IS getting better. Still, if a mother does not have custody, it is typically b/c of something the mother did or did not do.

It seems that some custodial stepmoms will develop a sort of "mama bear syndrome" towards our stepkids. I'm one of those stepmoms. I have gotten extremely protective of my stepson... more so than of even my biological children... based on his past. I get VERY protective of him because he has been through so much at such a young age already. I feel like it's my duty as his stepmom to protect him even from his biological mother because of the damage she's already done.

In our case, her visits and contact has been so inconsistant his whole life, he really doesn't know who she is. Her name makes him clam up and he will act like a different child for days after talking to her.. and talking about her changes his demeanor completely. It's hard for him.. he doesn't know why she makes him feel that way. He's very young for his age and doesn't understand at all what is going on. Hubby and I both try to explain little bits of it too him, but he just doesn't understand and we really don't expect him to. He's so little and just wants to feel like he is normal and that he has parents that love him and that he is part of the family. He is. He's our family and we're his.

One thing is we want him to be told everything in a healthy way. We take him to a psychologist, but getting him into counseling is a priority.. he needs a safe environment to be able to talk about everything with someone other than us. He has had some questions already... when I was pregnant with my daughter, Bailey, he would ask about babies and mommies... and he asked me if he came from my tummy. I told him that he did not.. that he came from his biomom's tummy, but that doesn't matter because babies don't always come from the mommy that takes care of them's tummy. He needed the reassurance that I love him no matter where he came from and I wanted to make sure he had that. He asked about it again and didn't seem to understand, but that's okay... he will. That was a really hard conversation because you really don't know how much they can handle at a time, but the information given seemed to be okay for the time being.

The really weird thing about our situation is that his exwife has custody of their other son together. "john" is a year younger than "Alan", but they were only together for one year and really don't know each other that well. "Alan" has asked occasionally if "John" is his cousin. That was an eye opener for us... we immediately corrected him and Hubby and I talked about it afterwards.... we knew the relationship was confusing, but we never thought he didn't know that "John" was his brother. We have photos of "John" in his room and all through the house and we talk about him with the children, but we do see how he would think that because of the distance and that they only see each other once a year. That's confusing for a little guy and I guess in his mind a cousin would make more sense... b/c in his mind his brother is "Michael" b/c "Michael" lives with him and is with him all the time and they are very very close. "Alan" sees his actual cousins more than he does "John".

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that because of all of this I get more protective of him. I love him very much and want nothing but the best for him... It's hard to look at the situation and realize that at some point he's going to be hurt and angry and probably resentful of his biological mother for what he will see as her abandoning him (and he wouldn't be wrong to feel that way... she did). He might have some anger toward his father for allowing it. He might blame hubby for her leaving him. No matter what, he's going to be affected and IS affected by the fact that she left and we're seeing it more and more.. and that just makes my mama bear come out and want to protect him even more.

Second to None

One thing that has been hard as a second wife is the fact that I am his second wife. I myself was never married before him, so I have a hard time accepting that he was married before. When we were first married, I spent a lot of time crying and mourning the loss of all the firsts that I didn't get to share with him. I didn't get a wedding or a real honeymoon. I didn't get to have his first child. I wasn't his first wife. Luckily I did get some firsts.. his first time owning a home was with me. He and I had a daughter together this past year and it is his one and only daughter. But, what I've come to realize is that the firsts and seconds and thirds or whatever really don't matter. For him and for I, it's the HERE and NOW that matters. The past is the past and nothing can change it, but I can change the way I look at it.

Obviously, something was wrong it the marriage or they would not have divorced. No one leaves for no reason at all. He is with ME now because he chose to be with me, not her. He didn't cheat on her with me or anything like that, so it's not that it was a competition... but he realized that she was not who his heart belonged to and left her without having to meet me to realize it. I like that. What matters now is that we are together and we have a life together despite her.

My husband was also not a Christian before he met me. He didn't take marriage as seriously as I do. He was raised by people that had run from their super religious upbringing and refused to raise their children as Christians. When we started dating, I had taken some wrong turns and was not living my life as a believer. When we became pregnant, everything changed. I wasn't living for just me anymore.. I had a baby to think about. I immediately returned to church and began taking "Alan" with me. My husband did not join us at first, but slowly started coming with us occasionally. He was ready to learn more about it. When we moved and bought our first house, he offered for me to choose a church for us to attend as a family.. he liked the values that were taught to the children and was willing to give it a try... I had no idea what God would do in his life, and in mine, through our church. My husband became the spiritual leader that we needed him to be. He started attending church activities even without me! He was saved Christmas 2006 and I couldn't be more proud.

Because of this turn around, he started understanding marriage and what it means biblically. He has really taken it to heart and become a fighter for our marriage. We have a sign in our living room that says "Two Shall Become One: What God has brought together, let man not seperate. Matthew 19:6" and he believes that with all of his heart. It has made all the difference in him. He doesn't let anyone or anything come between us. I'm his wife for life and I am Second to NO ONE.