On a good day I can forget. On a good day, it's just us... our little family. On a good day, she doesn't even cross my mind. When I first met "Alan", he was just him. I never connected him to his biological mother.. .and that's the way it should be. When things have gotten tough and she has interjected herself into our lives, the reality of her being the biological mother sets in and makes for a bad day. I don't like thinking that way.
One thing that we as stepmothers HAVE to learn to do is completely seperate our stepchild from their mother in our minds, no matter what influence she has over them. Stepchildren are just kids... they are their own little individual people who need love and support just like any other kid... some even more so than other kids. We're not helping anyone by seeing them as part of the biomom/ exwife... especially not the kids. Yes, some children are difficult and it makes it really hard to deal with as a stepparent... epsecially if you are a stepparent with no authority over the children... but keep in mind that if your hubby expects you to be lassie fare in the rearing and discipline of the children, then he is going to have to step up and insist that they behave and show you and your home respect.
There will be good days and bad days... but in our home the good days far outnumber the bad. The good days make it all worth it.