Hubby is a great guy. I love him with all of my heart. One thing that he has been really great about is shutting up and just letting me rant when I need to. He's been really understanding about my feelings about being a second wife. He knows when I just need to be held, and when he needs to stay away and let me just be alone for a while. He shows total respect for me in the area of parenting and pretty much lets me rule the roost while he brings home the bacon.
Some days are harder than others. I've had a few breakdowns where I just don't think I can live this life... the life of a second wife and stepmom. For those that are not a second wife and stepmom, this will be beyond the realm of your understanding. That's one thing that my inlaws have a tough time with understanding. My feelings are not insecurity because of her. I'm not worried about him leaving me for her or cheating on me with her.. or anything else around her. Yes, I prefer to NOT stare at her face in my home or in my inlaw's home because it's unnecissary and disrespectful to me, but it has nothing to do with my marriage.. it's just uncomfortable and I prefer to not feel that way. She and I are not friends, she has not been a good mother to my stepson, and she's not a part of our lives, so why be bothered with it?
I've been very very lucky to have a husband that really tries to understand my feelings and be patient with me. Every day does get a little easier.. every month I get a little stronger.. every year being second matters a little less. Like I said before, I am second to NO ONE, and my husband is the first to remind me of that.
To me, that's so important that my husband is like that. I don't think a second wife can really survive without a strong marriage to a guy that understands or at least tries to. I've heard about husbands telling their second wives that they just need to get over it, and that's so wrong and hurtful. I can't imagine having someone do that.. I don't think we would still be together if hubby had been like that.
The divorce rate in our country is over 50%.. but that is for ORIGINAL marriages, but for second marriages of either party, that rate is even higher. You could contribute that to all kinds of different factors... lack of understanding, difficulties with exs or stepkids, and a ton of other things.. but everything will go back to a lack of respect for each other and the marriage. Respect is SO important. Communication and understanding... and patience are SO important. I really recommend that all remarried couples read the books that I have listed on this page, but especially encourage you to read Love and Respect and Happily Remarried. They are AMAZING books and have both had such a huge impact on us and our marriage.
Also, the Five Love Languages. Now, that book is one that taught me so much. Hubby and I studied this book in our sunday school class at church and we learned more about each other than I could have imagined. He learned what I need to feel love and I learned what he needs. They also make one about kids.. and that was a HUGE eye opener when I read it with my stepson in mind. His primary love language was one of the ones that I was weakest in, so I have since worked very hard to speak his love language and it's made a HUGE difference in our relationship. It's really hard to communicate and show respect to each other when you are speaking 2 different languages.