Public Service Announcement for those who have not been through a second marriage

Please don't contantly bring up my husband's exwife. It's not that I am jealous or have a problem with the fact that she exists, it just plain rude. Don't ask my husband how she is doing. They are divorced. He is no longer an active part of her life. Don't talk about all the things they did in the past together with you. Those times are over and I am his wife now. If you want to ask about someone, ask about how my husband is doing.. or me: his wife.. or our kids. Don't put up pictures all over your house of my husband's ex and expect me to be comfortable being around it. How would you like it if I asked your significant other how their exlove/boyfriend/girlfriend was doing and then start talking about how much fun we all had with him/her? Would you like it if you walked into my home and saw pictures of them in my home? Have the decency to show me and our marriage a little respect. Rudeness will only cost you in the long run.. it will cost you our friendship.

Beating Up Trees

Sometimes it's hard to not resent certain people in this situation. As much as I love and adore my hubby, I have moments of resentment. I resent having to deal with his ex and his parents. I resent that all of our money is having to go to an attorney to fight just to keep our family together. I know it's not really his fault... but.. it's hard to not blame him at times. That's my dirty little secret. I could never tell him that.. I love him too much to tell him that... but there are moments where it takes everything in me to NOT tell him that I hate him and I wish he would just take it all away. I know that he'd make it all go away if he could. It's hard. It's hard on everyone.

Overcoming those feelings are vital. I'm not sure that keeping them inside is really the best thing for my own feelings... but it saves my marriage at times. One thing I was taught when I was in high school to take out my anger and frustration in other ways... and my personal favorite was beating up trees. Yes, it sounds rediculous.. but there is something SO theraputic about taking a big strong stick and just beating the crap out of a tree. It's really too bad that we only have one tree in our yard... that poor tree. At least if there was more than one they could share the brunt of my frustration.. but instead the one sad tree in our backyard gets to taste my wrath.

The hardest parts of being custodial

With Alan, I was lucky enough to become part of his life at such a young age.. he was only 3 when I became a part of his every day life and functioned as a mother to him. He was calling me "Mommy" before he was 4. But still, no matter what I do, I cannot change his biology and I've accepted that. That was hard enough... but to have her be semi-active in his life is just horrifying. I've never met someone that showed such flagrent disregard for their biological child's feelings... Oh wait, I take that back.. she ranks right up there with my father and my hubby's crazy parents... they also care more about what is easiest for THEM instead of what would be best for their biological child. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to have children. Very very sad.

The most heartbreaking thing with her is that she was pretty much gone from his life and just thinks he can deal with her just popping in once a year. And now that she has sued us for custody, she's "tried" to be more involved (on the surface... she doesn't even ask how he is doing in school or how he is emotionally or physically)... but the WORST thing is that now she will tell him she is going to call him or send him something and then not do it. It was bad enough that she was not responding to his emails before and only calling every 3-6 months, but honestly I'd take that now over this. Now she's more obviously disappointing him. Before, he was just sad that he wasn't getting anything back in his email. Now, she's telling him to expect things and then not doing them. That's not right at all. It's heartbreaking to see her do that to him.. and she doesn't care that she does it at all. She doesn't see that it bothers him. He's doing okay.. he's easily distracted.. but he's been not wanting to email them back or talk to them on the phone and we've had to make him and now that I've seen what she is saying, I know why. She hurts him. He knows something isn't right and he doesn't like it and it makes him uncomfortable. This is just hard for me to watch as a parent especially since I'm not sure how to protect him from it. Anyone else I could just keep away from him.. but in order to protect him from her, we would risk having him taken from us. What a mess. So instead, we have to leave this little innocent child open to hurt.

On a Good Day

On a good day I can forget. On a good day, it's just us... our little family. On a good day, she doesn't even cross my mind. When I first met "Alan", he was just him. I never connected him to his biological mother.. .and that's the way it should be. When things have gotten tough and she has interjected herself into our lives, the reality of her being the biological mother sets in and makes for a bad day. I don't like thinking that way.

One thing that we as stepmothers HAVE to learn to do is completely seperate our stepchild from their mother in our minds, no matter what influence she has over them. Stepchildren are just kids... they are their own little individual people who need love and support just like any other kid... some even more so than other kids. We're not helping anyone by seeing them as part of the biomom/ exwife... especially not the kids. Yes, some children are difficult and it makes it really hard to deal with as a stepparent... epsecially if you are a stepparent with no authority over the children... but keep in mind that if your hubby expects you to be lassie fare in the rearing and discipline of the children, then he is going to have to step up and insist that they behave and show you and your home respect.

There will be good days and bad days... but in our home the good days far outnumber the bad. The good days make it all worth it.

My Other Half

Hubby is a great guy. I love him with all of my heart. One thing that he has been really great about is shutting up and just letting me rant when I need to. He's been really understanding about my feelings about being a second wife. He knows when I just need to be held, and when he needs to stay away and let me just be alone for a while. He shows total respect for me in the area of parenting and pretty much lets me rule the roost while he brings home the bacon.

Some days are harder than others. I've had a few breakdowns where I just don't think I can live this life... the life of a second wife and stepmom. For those that are not a second wife and stepmom, this will be beyond the realm of your understanding. That's one thing that my inlaws have a tough time with understanding. My feelings are not insecurity because of her. I'm not worried about him leaving me for her or cheating on me with her.. or anything else around her. Yes, I prefer to NOT stare at her face in my home or in my inlaw's home because it's unnecissary and disrespectful to me, but it has nothing to do with my marriage.. it's just uncomfortable and I prefer to not feel that way. She and I are not friends, she has not been a good mother to my stepson, and she's not a part of our lives, so why be bothered with it?

I've been very very lucky to have a husband that really tries to understand my feelings and be patient with me. Every day does get a little easier.. every month I get a little stronger.. every year being second matters a little less. Like I said before, I am second to NO ONE, and my husband is the first to remind me of that.

To me, that's so important that my husband is like that. I don't think a second wife can really survive without a strong marriage to a guy that understands or at least tries to. I've heard about husbands telling their second wives that they just need to get over it, and that's so wrong and hurtful. I can't imagine having someone do that.. I don't think we would still be together if hubby had been like that.

The divorce rate in our country is over 50%.. but that is for ORIGINAL marriages, but for second marriages of either party, that rate is even higher. You could contribute that to all kinds of different factors... lack of understanding, difficulties with exs or stepkids, and a ton of other things.. but everything will go back to a lack of respect for each other and the marriage. Respect is SO important. Communication and understanding... and patience are SO important. I really recommend that all remarried couples read the books that I have listed on this page, but especially encourage you to read Love and Respect and Happily Remarried. They are AMAZING books and have both had such a huge impact on us and our marriage.

Also, the Five Love Languages. Now, that book is one that taught me so much. Hubby and I studied this book in our sunday school class at church and we learned more about each other than I could have imagined. He learned what I need to feel love and I learned what he needs. They also make one about kids.. and that was a HUGE eye opener when I read it with my stepson in mind. His primary love language was one of the ones that I was weakest in, so I have since worked very hard to speak his love language and it's made a HUGE difference in our relationship. It's really hard to communicate and show respect to each other when you are speaking 2 different languages.

Custodial Stepmothering and The Mama Bear Syndrome

I'm one of the lucky stepmoms in that I got in my stepkid's life when he was very very young. Thanks to that I got to know him as a young toddler and to develop a relationship with him. Due to the fact that his biological mother had no involvement in his upbringing, I became the mother in his life. That's how hubby wanted it and I was fine with that. I love kids. I love most all kids. It's harder when it's someone else's kid that you are raising, though. It's not fair to assume a stepparent SHOULD love thier stepchild or even like them, as long as they treat them with fairness and respect that's really all that you can ask. I, however, fell in love with my stepson. To be honest, I would probably not given hubby the time of day when he asked me out for the 500th time if he had not had my adorable little 3 yr old stepson bouncing around him at the time.

Unfortunately in our country a lot of times the biological mother is granted custody based mostly on the fact that she is the mother, not that she would provide the best home for the child. Fathers get screwed in our system a lot of times. Hubby and his ex didn't go through the court, but if they had he still would likely have won based on his ex wanting to move the children back to her home country, but you never know... especially in the south. Judges here do have a biased towards the mother, but it IS getting better. Still, if a mother does not have custody, it is typically b/c of something the mother did or did not do.

It seems that some custodial stepmoms will develop a sort of "mama bear syndrome" towards our stepkids. I'm one of those stepmoms. I have gotten extremely protective of my stepson... more so than of even my biological children... based on his past. I get VERY protective of him because he has been through so much at such a young age already. I feel like it's my duty as his stepmom to protect him even from his biological mother because of the damage she's already done.

In our case, her visits and contact has been so inconsistant his whole life, he really doesn't know who she is. Her name makes him clam up and he will act like a different child for days after talking to her.. and talking about her changes his demeanor completely. It's hard for him.. he doesn't know why she makes him feel that way. He's very young for his age and doesn't understand at all what is going on. Hubby and I both try to explain little bits of it too him, but he just doesn't understand and we really don't expect him to. He's so little and just wants to feel like he is normal and that he has parents that love him and that he is part of the family. He is. He's our family and we're his.

One thing is we want him to be told everything in a healthy way. We take him to a psychologist, but getting him into counseling is a priority.. he needs a safe environment to be able to talk about everything with someone other than us. He has had some questions already... when I was pregnant with my daughter, Bailey, he would ask about babies and mommies... and he asked me if he came from my tummy. I told him that he did not.. that he came from his biomom's tummy, but that doesn't matter because babies don't always come from the mommy that takes care of them's tummy. He needed the reassurance that I love him no matter where he came from and I wanted to make sure he had that. He asked about it again and didn't seem to understand, but that's okay... he will. That was a really hard conversation because you really don't know how much they can handle at a time, but the information given seemed to be okay for the time being.

The really weird thing about our situation is that his exwife has custody of their other son together. "john" is a year younger than "Alan", but they were only together for one year and really don't know each other that well. "Alan" has asked occasionally if "John" is his cousin. That was an eye opener for us... we immediately corrected him and Hubby and I talked about it afterwards.... we knew the relationship was confusing, but we never thought he didn't know that "John" was his brother. We have photos of "John" in his room and all through the house and we talk about him with the children, but we do see how he would think that because of the distance and that they only see each other once a year. That's confusing for a little guy and I guess in his mind a cousin would make more sense... b/c in his mind his brother is "Michael" b/c "Michael" lives with him and is with him all the time and they are very very close. "Alan" sees his actual cousins more than he does "John".

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that because of all of this I get more protective of him. I love him very much and want nothing but the best for him... It's hard to look at the situation and realize that at some point he's going to be hurt and angry and probably resentful of his biological mother for what he will see as her abandoning him (and he wouldn't be wrong to feel that way... she did). He might have some anger toward his father for allowing it. He might blame hubby for her leaving him. No matter what, he's going to be affected and IS affected by the fact that she left and we're seeing it more and more.. and that just makes my mama bear come out and want to protect him even more.

Second to None

One thing that has been hard as a second wife is the fact that I am his second wife. I myself was never married before him, so I have a hard time accepting that he was married before. When we were first married, I spent a lot of time crying and mourning the loss of all the firsts that I didn't get to share with him. I didn't get a wedding or a real honeymoon. I didn't get to have his first child. I wasn't his first wife. Luckily I did get some firsts.. his first time owning a home was with me. He and I had a daughter together this past year and it is his one and only daughter. But, what I've come to realize is that the firsts and seconds and thirds or whatever really don't matter. For him and for I, it's the HERE and NOW that matters. The past is the past and nothing can change it, but I can change the way I look at it.

Obviously, something was wrong it the marriage or they would not have divorced. No one leaves for no reason at all. He is with ME now because he chose to be with me, not her. He didn't cheat on her with me or anything like that, so it's not that it was a competition... but he realized that she was not who his heart belonged to and left her without having to meet me to realize it. I like that. What matters now is that we are together and we have a life together despite her.

My husband was also not a Christian before he met me. He didn't take marriage as seriously as I do. He was raised by people that had run from their super religious upbringing and refused to raise their children as Christians. When we started dating, I had taken some wrong turns and was not living my life as a believer. When we became pregnant, everything changed. I wasn't living for just me anymore.. I had a baby to think about. I immediately returned to church and began taking "Alan" with me. My husband did not join us at first, but slowly started coming with us occasionally. He was ready to learn more about it. When we moved and bought our first house, he offered for me to choose a church for us to attend as a family.. he liked the values that were taught to the children and was willing to give it a try... I had no idea what God would do in his life, and in mine, through our church. My husband became the spiritual leader that we needed him to be. He started attending church activities even without me! He was saved Christmas 2006 and I couldn't be more proud.

Because of this turn around, he started understanding marriage and what it means biblically. He has really taken it to heart and become a fighter for our marriage. We have a sign in our living room that says "Two Shall Become One: What God has brought together, let man not seperate. Matthew 19:6" and he believes that with all of his heart. It has made all the difference in him. He doesn't let anyone or anything come between us. I'm his wife for life and I am Second to NO ONE.

In-laws and Out-laws

One of the other fun things no one talks about is the new in-laws. Or out-laws. There have always been the mother-in-law jokes.. jokes about the tension between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law b/c the daughter-in-law stole her baby boy or whatever, but when you are in a step situation it can be much much worse... especially if they actually liked the exwife. In my case, they actually didn't like her and actually talked bad about her a lot until my husband and I married. It would seem my husband's parents and his exwife got to bond over their mutual resentment of me. Isn't that sweet. Glad I could help bring them closer together. Why the resend me so much is beyond me... but it seems to be the nature of remarriage that someone in the situation is not going to be thrilled about it. Unfortunatly not only do they dislike me, but my "out-laws" are toxic to boot.

Yes, I have the out-laws of my nightmare. My biggest fear growing up was that I would have in-laws that were as nuts as my father's parents... oh, but I got much much worse. Well, actually a lot of the things that they do are strikingly similar to my grandparents. Funny how that happens, isn't it? Well, at least my husband is nothing like my father.

Actually, at first I had no reason to think they were anything other than nice. I missed SO many warning signs because of the stars in my eyes and my husband's official status as a "momma's boy" (oh, the thought of that makes me throw up in my mouth a little now... eww). One of the signs I missed was when we were living... oh you're going to laugh at this... get this... living ON THEIR PROPERTY (yes, that was smart... I know) and they would just walk in to our home without knocking whenever they knew that it was just me at home without my husband. Ya know, there IS such a thing as TOO MUCH family togetherness.

When my husband and his ex seperated and she went back to her home country, he had moved onto their property so that they could help him with "Alan" who was 2 years old at the time. In that time, my husband worked and went to school, so he very much relied on his parents to help with caring for "Alan"... taking him to daycare and picking him up... and putting him to bed a lot of nights. Hubby was really struggling to try to get ahead to spend more time with "Alan", but it just never happened. Then about a year later I came along. His parents had been playing the role of full time parents to "Alan" and truely resented that I had come in and been asked to be in a parenting role instead of them.

Not only do older people seem to resist change, but I truely think that a lot of the older generation views the divorce of their children as a failure on not only the part of the child, but also themselves. Add that to a feeling of loss when they "loose" their child-in-law, and you have a recipe for trouble for any future love interest of that son or daughter. In my husband's case his parents didn't blame themselves at all for what they viewed as their son's failure, they blamed him completely. To this day they claim the exwife to be the innocent victim of my mean mean husband. In their eyes, he simply woke up one morning and decided to not be married anymore. My father-in-law went so far as to tell me that my husband would do the same to me, so I had better make friends with the exwife because at least then I'd have someone that had been through it. Glad they have so much faith in my husband. Unfortunatley, their contempt for my husband coupled with his mother's previous distaste for second wives and stepmoms based on her own father's divorce from her mother and remarriage to his mistress (whom he married and they are still living happily ever after), meant that they would not be able to accept me as part of the family.

His parents current favorite excuse for not accepting me is to remind my husband that before he and his exwife married he had told her that his parents would love her because he loved her. Apparently this means that they made a promise to love her forever and the rule does not apply to me (damn... should have thought to cry to him too and acted scared to meet his parents because then maybe he would have said the same thing to me so then they would HAVE to have accepted me... lol.. yeh right). It would seem that in their minds, loving me would mean rejecting her... it seems that they do not have room in their hearts to love more than one or two people at any one time. How sad for them. In choosing to align themselves with my husband's ex, they have chosen to betray their own son.

Interestingly, this same type of in-law will show a biased towards the stepchildren as well. They seem to view the stepchildren as more a part of the family and more their grandchildren than they children of the subsequent relationship. My own mother-in-law has gone so far as to tell me that my son with my husband (who is her son of course) is just as much a part of the family as is his exwife's daughter with her new boyfriend... I have yet to understand how that child is related to my husband's family being as neither she nor her boyfriend are related, but I digress. The only way I can even somewhat understand that is if they have truely decided that his exwife is their daughter... which is kind of gross if you think about it.. but that would make at least a little bit of sense.

My father-in-law recently said that he loves our daughter not because she is his grandchild, but because my husband loves her. Very sad. It's so odd to me that they choose to so strongly favor one grandchild and consider only that child as their real full grandchild even though they are related to all the children in the exact same way. But, there is no use trying to apply logic and reason to that which is illogical and unreasonable (and this applies to the antics of the exwife as well)... trying to figure all of it out would only make a person crazy and wouldn't accomplish anything in the long run.

It's Not Just a Do Over

Most of the time step's relationships will be strained to varying degrees with the exs. It's uncomfortable for everyone which is only natural. Remarriage is common, but that doesn't mean it is easy. And no, it's not just a marriage do-over. My husband has a great shirt that I have to admit is my personal favorite that says "I used my mulligan on my first wife." Oh, if only it was true. If only he really could take a mulligan. If only it was that simple.

In a first marriage, it starts off as being all about the couple. Just the two of them. *sigh* Oh how I would LOVE that. Yes, we all come with baggage in some form or another. We all have a past and that past is what makes us who we are, good or bad. A lot of second marriages come with not only baggage from the past relationship itself, but also the product of that relationship in the form of living, breathing, talking, feeling little reminders... AKA stepkids.

Many a stepmom spends a good bit of their time trying to figure out what exactly their role as a stepparent should be. Are you a mom/ bonus mom? Are you a friend? Are you just "dad's wife"? Every situation is different. Different things are right for different families. Every blended family has to decide for themselves what is best for them... I wish I could give you all the answers, but I can't. No one can. There is no one-size-fits all role description... it's something that you and your significant other have to decide for yourselves in your own home. I can tell you, though, that a lot of times those first few years of trying to figure it out, especially with older steps, is like trying to nail jello to the wall. No matter what you do, it just won't stick.

Eventually, though, you and your husband will have to come up with an idea of what your role in the children's lives should be. The important thing in my opinion as a Christian woman is that the marriage should always come first and your husband should stand behind you 110% once that role is decided on. Yes, the kids are very important and perhaps they were there first, but the marriage is the relationship that needs to come first so that the children have a safe, stable home with a good role model of what a marriage should look like... because one day they will grow up and leave the nest and it will just be the two of you and they will have their own lives... and if your lives are totally devoted to the children and the marriage has always come second, the marriage will crumble because it is not standing on a firm foundation.

For me, when we got married, my role had been defined for a while and I had already been fullfilling it for nearly a year... I was to be the Mommy. There really was no "step"mother role for me here, only as mother... My husband wanted a wife and someone to love... and he wanted a mother for his son.. I wanted a family... and I got one instantly.. not only with my husband and his son, but shortly after meeting him I was pregnant with our son together and everything just kind of fell into place from there.

A bit about my life... and a rant about Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)

I didn't grow up wanting to be a second wife and stepmom... it just happened. I wanted to be a wife and mom, but when you throw the "step" part in there it changes everything. You could argue that I knew what I was getting into marrying a man with an exwife and kids, but you'd be wrong. No one is ever truely prepared for this life. Every step situation is vastly different, I myself was a stepkid, but I stumbled into a VERY unique step situation. I'm in what I like to call an international step mess.

I'm both a full time custodial stepmom, and a once-a-year visit non-custodial stepmom to a child in another country. I'm "mommy" to one, and to the other I am nothing. I'm not even an afterthought. I'm not "daddy's" wife, I'm not a friend, I'm not really a stepmom to him either. I merely exist occasionally in his world through letters and our annual visit.My custodial stepson is more of a son. To him, I am Mommy. I'm the one that potty trained him, the one that signed him up for kindergarten, the one that takes him to his sports, the one that talks to his teachers, packs his lunch, knows his favorite things, cares for him when he is sick... to him, his biological mother is more like a distant relative by her own choosing. Like I said, it's a very unique situation.

I always thought that a typical step situation was an every other weekend, joint custody type agreement with alternating holidays, but the longer I'm a stepmom the more I see that there really is nothing typical even in that. A lot of the issues that make the situations so vastly different is that every exwife and every exhusband is different. Some exs can be level headed people who really do put the needs of the children first in the situation. Unfortunately, many of us do not have this type of exwife in our lives. If you do, you are very lucky stepmom! I myself and not so lucky. Our custody situation was born out of combination of things... my husband's fear of her taking both of their children together back to her home country, him wanting as little to do with her as possible, and her delusion that he would come back to her eventually... even though she had given birth to a child with her new boyfriend by then. Of course when I came along and had our son and we were married, those hope were dashed.

My hubby's ex's first step was to try to befriend me, which I was eager to do as well, but our motivations were different. I wanted to make friends so that we could all get along for the kids. She on the other hand wanted to turn me against my husband and would spend all of our time talking trying to tell me all of the terrible things she could think up about my husband, true or not. While I didn't see at the time what she was doing, I rejected the idea of bashing my husband to his ex and told her that we must know two different men because the man that she described is not the same man that I married. When she realized that her attempt had not driven a wedge between me and my husband, she backed off and in her next conversation with my husband told him that I made her uncomfortable and she didn't want to have to talk to me anymore. Too bad. She doesn't get dictate who answers our phones. Instead, she decided to not call for months at a time... then her next step was to call and hang up if I answered until I had to get a privacy director so she would HAVE to say who it was before they would let her get through. Ha! It worked... but then she again would not call for months at a time to talk to my stepson. So then her next typical exwife move, she sued for full custody.

In all this time, my stepson had grown to know me as his mother and had seen the exwife about 5 seperate times from age 2 through age 6.5... and in that time she had not once sent him a birthday or Christmas gift, card, or letter... or pictures. Sad. But, she sued for custody none-the-less claiming that her lack of communication with us and my stepson was not her fault, it was ours. She accussed us of what is referred to as Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Now, let me stop right here for a minute and say something about Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). This is NOT something to be taken lightly. PAS destroys childhood innocence, it tears apart families, and it creates scars that last a lifetime. Protecting a child against abuse is one thing, but talking bad about the child's other parent or making a child feel guilty for time spent with the other parent is quite another. We all mess up sometimes and say things we shouldn't say where little ears can hear them, but to do so intentionall on a continual basis is dispicable. PAS has become a real problem in families and the US courts are now starting to acknowledge the damage this is doing to our nation's children. Mother, fathers, stepparents, grandparents, even friends of parents and aunts or uncles can be guilty of PAS. PAS is abuse. It's psychological abuse of a child and it steals their innocence. If a child in your life has been subjected to PAS, please get them into counseling and seek legal advice on how to best protect them from this in the future.

Okay, off my soapbox now.

Actually, I think this is a good place to end for today. I'll be back with more tomorrow.

Looking Beyond the Title

Women hate me. Children fear me. I was Walt Disney's favorite villan. The thought of me makes people's skin crawl.

I'm your neighbor. I'm your sister. I'm your friend. I go to your church. My kids play with your kids. If you didn't know, you might like me. If you didn't know, you might think I'm nice. I look like everyone you know. I smile, I laugh, I cry, I hurt, I feel. I am a stepmom. I am a second wife. I am a person.

My mere existance is based on hurt and heartbreak. My marriage is born of divorce. I am reality. I am a reality that you don't want to face. I represent a huge number of women in our country and all over the world. Our country's divorce rate is over 50%, and 95% of those remarry at some point. That's where I come in.

But I'm so much more than that. The label "stepmom" is one that I took voluntarily, but it is not all that I am. Stepmom does not define me. I'm not going to steal your husband. I'm not trying to take your kids. I have my own, thanks.

I'm a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a cousin, a neice.... and yet the bright pink sign flashing over my head says STEPMOM in big fat letters. Some people see that sign and run screaming in the other direction. They find me a threat. For those people, I feel pity. Those people are missing out on the rest of me.. the rest of US... and that's a real shame.