It is what it is

I was thinking the other day... I was feeling a little sorry for myself for the drama that is caused by my husband's ex. I mean, she's not my ex, right? I shouldn't have to deal with her and the fallout from her behavior and the past choices of her and my husband, right? Yeh, I know I am right. I SHOULDN'T have to put up with those things, but it just kinda comes with the territory. I love my husband and my children and they are what really matters.

It's hard some days, though. It's hard to accept that this is the life of a stepmom. It's hard to not be upset and angry. It's hard to look at your life and realize that it could be so much different. It's hard to look to the future and know the pain that is coming your way and the drama you are facing for the next 11 years. But it is what it is. I let myself grieve for the life I don't have and wish I did. I let myself cry. It's okay to cry. It's not a weakness, it's a release... it's a way to let it all out and let it go. So, I sat in my car and just cried in the parking lot of Target with one of the cart boys looking at me like I was some nutso old lady. That's okay though, I'm not trying to impress anyone. Then when I was done I cleaned up my face, took a deep breath, and accepted that this is my life and this is where I'm supposed to be. God put me in this situation for a reason. There is a purpose for me being here. There is a purpose for me being a stepmother. There is a purpose for me being a second wife. It is what it is and I'm working on accepting it even through the hard parts, because the good parts are just too good to walk away.

Stepmother's Day

Yes! There is a Stepmothers Day! I had no idea that this existed until I became a part of the online stepmom support group that I'm totally addicted to. Anyways... I don't celebrate it. It's the Sunday AFTER Mother's Day (how fitting) if anyone is interested.. but in my mind, Step or not, I'm a mother and I deserve to be celebrated ON Mother's day just like every other mother in the US. Besides, just try and find a card at Hallmark for Stepmother... you might find 2 or 3.. but certainly not for Stepmother's day. It's just reality that Stepmoms/stepparents do exist... it's just like I said in my initial blog.. it's a reality that people just don't want shoved in their face. As one of the other stepmoms that I adore put it, I'm a living, breathing reminder of what can happen in a marriage... and no one wants to celebrate that. It's too bad, because I think stepmoms deserve some recognition for the hell that society as a whole and even our own family and friends put us through... and that we still stand strong, stand by our husbands, love on/care for our stepkids, and turn the other cheeks until we have no cheeks left. So, happy Mother's day to all the wonderful amazing stepmoms out there... you truely make a difference in this world.

Miracles do happen

For the first time, my hubby's ex actually spent money and sent something to Alan. I couldn't believe it when I saw it. Granted what she sent him and Michael (since I always send something for her daughter) probably cost her all of 5 quid, still... it's something and that's a first.

It's really sad when you get to a point where it's so unbelievable for your stepchild to get something (letter, gift, ANYTHING) from their biological mother (that claims to want custody of them) that you have to call everyone in your phonebook to tell them.

Never forget your worth

I had this email forwarded to me by my mother. I thought it was really great. Very fitting. We as STEPMOMs especially can get caught up in steplife and start to feel un-needed and inconsequential... Never for one single moment forget that you are someone special and how very much YOU are worth. The world wouldn't be the same without all the special women out there willing to take on this crazy life we call stepmotherhood.

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

What is best vs. what is easiest

It's hard being a stepmom. Don't ever think it is or should be otherwise. But, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Life is complicated, so why should step-life be any different?

It would be much easier to not care.. but as a custodial, stay at home stepmom it's really not a good option. For some families it would work fine if the stepmom detached, but not in ours. It simply wouldn't work. I came into this knowing my role would be mom... but it's way more complicated than I could have ever possibly imagined. It's way more heartache, way more time, way more energy than I could have ever imagined... but it's also more rewarding right there along with frustrating. Some days I would MUCH rather say "F*ck this" and walk away.. those are the days I know I need a biiiiig glass of wine.. lol. Ah, we all have bad days. Hell, I have bad days with my biological children, so why would steps be any different? I guess it's just a little different, though. I love my stepson unconditionally and like my own child, but there is that little difference that I sometimes refuse to acknowledge b/c it is painful and hard. It's reality, though. There have been those shameful moments where I've wanted to take the other two kids and run screaming away from my hubby, stepkids, and their biological mother and then I think about how awful it would be to live without Hubby and Alan. They bring so much to my life. I love them with everything that is in me. We really do have a great family and are in a great situation. We have the best possible situation for all of us here as a family.. all of us here together. No matter how hard it is, it's worth it and it works. It works if you work it... it's worth it. Hey, isn't that something AA says?

The all powerful Danielle Star

My mother in law is a peach. Somehow everything that hubby or anyone else does that she does not approve of is my fault. It's truely amazing the kind of power that I possess. I can control my husband's every though and action.. and Alan not asking about them is my fault too because I must have brainwashed him. Oh, and all of Alan's improvements since they have been out of our lives (the out-laws, I mean) are just because he is scared of me I'll bet! Couldn't be that he has a loving, stable home with 2 parents, a brother, a sister, a bunch of pets, and a lot of structure. Nope, it's all because I'm mean and abusive.. and controlling. I forgot that one.

Oh, did I tell you guys about how I abused my stepson when he was 3? Yeh, I didn't know either, but apparently giving a shower to kid that has poo running down his legs to get it off without him sitting in a poo filled bathtub is abusive if he doesn't like it. Quick! Someone call CPS! I gave Michael a shower for the same thing and then again b/c he had mascara all over him and I wanted to just get it all off real fast! I'm out of control!!! My poor kids are *gasp* CLEAN!!! Oh the humanity!!!

But back to my all powerfulness... Apparently I have the power to control everything my husband does and I was behind him cutting off contact with his parents. Actually, the truth is quite different. I did tell hubby that I was done with them, but his relationship with them was completely up to him. Well, he kinda left it up to them by way of their actions.. and I think them accusing me of abuse was the last straw for him. My mother in law called me the other day to arrange a sit down with me. JUST me. Yeh right. This all powerful one sees the future and I can see clear as day that this is a bad idea. I'm not the one that cut off contact, so I'm not the one that is going to be responsible for restarting it. I just didn't call back and told hubby about it. The next day she called hubby to tattle apparently that I didn't call her back.. HAHAHA I bet she'll call my mommy next. Don't laugh at that.. she's really done that before. I guess my mom is more all powerful than I am. Blast! I wanted to be the most all powerful!

Naughty or nice?

Since my husband and his ex split the kids, things can get kind of confusing. The boys didn't really get a chance to bond since she took the younger one when he was barely 1, and Alan was only 2. He was a little younger than Michael is right now when they seperated Alan and John. That's hard for me to think about. Michael is very attached to his sister and to me... I just can't imagine taking Bailey and walking away from him... but I'm a different person than she is. Anyways... we've tried really hard to keep the boys in touch with each other, but honestly I don't see the point right now. Alan is only 6 and John is 5.. neither of them really know what is going on and Alan rarely even mentions John.. and when he or the ex are brought up, he withdraws and doesn't want to talk about them. But, I certainly want them to be able to become friends as they get older so hopefully keeping them in touch now will give them a base to start off with.

For Easter coming up, I got a wild hair and decided to send John and his sister some things. I had Michael and Alan pick some things to send that I knew they'd enjoy, threw in some candy, and got them an Easter egg dye kit. I doubt she'll just it, but I don't really care if she does or not... that wasn't the point. We got John some Cars items, and his sister some Zoe (from Sesame Street) things like stick on earrings and a little backpack and some hair clips... and then fingerpaints... I didn't realize until we got home with the finger paint that it wasn't washable (it was Disney, so I just assumed it would be!!!).. oops.. Well, she can decide if she wants them to have it or not... hehe.

I really enjoy sending stuff to the kids. It's fun for me... for many reasons. I love buying stuff for other people. We don't have a lot of money, but I like to share what we do have and John IS hubby's bio son.. Then my little bonus is I get a giggle at the idea of how her head must explode every time seeing that I wrote the note and wrote the address and my name is on the customs form.. and she has been saying she had a package for Alan that she was going to send him for 2 months.. hmmm.. yeh, still not here.. good thing Alan didn't understand it and wasn't looking forward to it or anything. Yeh, so it's a bit naughty of me to rub it in that we go further for the kids, but whatever. She could just as well put forth some effort. Again she has stopped emailing Alan and didn't respond to his last email. That just shows where she really is with him...

Oh, but it's fun it imagine her being annoyed by me being nice. Ahhhh... I hope the kids like their presents. I put a note in for John and asked that he email Alan about what they do for Easter where he lives and that maybe he and his Mummy can dye the Easter eggs with his sister like we do here. Okay, both naughty and nice of me. What can I say? It makes me feel better.