What's new?

So... after the agreement was signed last August that I would have legal guardianship granted, I finally got the guardianship letter about 2 months ago. Hmmm. Almost a year. Don't even get me started on that, though. Anyways.. it's here, I'm happy, and my son is happy.

Since then we have had some ups and down. My Alan has be diagnosed as ADHD in the past and is now considered Autism Spectrum (high functioning) so we have a whole new dynamic added to our issues and a new direction with his care. It's all fine though.. no matter what label we put on him, he's our beautiful son and I love him with everything in me. What I don't understand is some goings on with the ex...

in the past few months, calls have gone to once a month. Like clockwork she calls the first Sunday of EVERY month. That's it. She's given a minimum of 3 calls a week as far as the court order, but she chooses to not use them. Unfortunately this is good and bad. Good in that she's not calling constantly... well, good for me.. maybe not for Alan. Bad in that.. she's not calling more and Alan is starting to notice. He is understanding more and more of what is going on and who people are, but he's quick to tell people that I'm his mommy and he has the best mommy ever. Can't beat that!

Alan and I went out.. just me and him.. a few days ago. While walking I decided I wanted to explain a little bit about my feelings for him. I don't want him to ever think I think of him as my stepkid and though he doesn't even know that word yet, better for him to know my feelings now before he finds out. So, I told him that he was very special. I told him that most parents don't get to pick their kids. I told him that Bailey and Michael were born to me.. I didn't get to choose them per se... I was given them and they are who they are and I love them very much, but with him it was different. I got to decide if I wanted to be his parent. I got to meet him and play with him and love him before I was ever Mommy to him. I told him that made him a little extra special because he was chosen and because I wanted him SO much. And it's the absolute truth. Ask my hubby. He'll tell you. I only went out with him b/c he had a cute kid.. LOL!!!

My little rant

most everyone that knows Alan is not my bio also knows that I want to adopt him. Most people know the whole ugly story and the way I feel about Alan. I'm his mom, his legal guardian, and his primary care giver. He is no different to me than my bios. So why is it that people love to throw out there "What if you can Hubby get divorced?" I especially love that question from people with kids... some even with kids that they themselves adopted. I'm not expecting to divorce... DH and I have talked about how we feel about the idea of it.. it's a VERY last resort for both of us BUT i also am a realist and know that there is a danger of that in every marriage no matter what the intentions. However, what I DO NOT understand is what that has to do with my son... or me loving my son? Do most people that divorce stop wanting to/having to be a parent? Do I stop being his mom b/c I divorced his dad? WHAT does that have to do with me continuing to be a mother to him? First, if I DO get to formally adopt him, he would be treated like any other kid in this family in the event of a divorce. Even if I don't adopt him, I am his legal guardian (even before I get the letter I'm considered his guardian b/c its in the custody papers).. and even if I didn't have that, I've been his mom since he can remember. I've been the one taking care of him, loving him, teaching him, disciplining him, feeding him, taking him to the dr. I know him better than anyone else in the world. I've been his mom for 5 years this year. What kind of shitty ass person would do all that for a child and then just walk away and not try anymore just b/c they are not with the other parent anymore? Isn't that what I get so mad at theEx about? And he IS her bio! Well, what if Hubby tries to keep him from me? I'd fight like HELL to see him... I'd want custody of him just like I would the other 2. I have 3 kids, not two.. no matter what a freaking blood test would say. A MOTHER is more than just an incubator with an exit... a MOTHER is the person that loves a child and cares for them. I AM his mother. I don't care who has a problem with that. I swear I'm going to smack the next person that looks me in the eye and asks "Well what if you and DH get a divorce?"

A whole lot of Stupid

It's already been 7 months since we got served with papers starting that Hubby's ex is suing us for custody of Alan. I didn't realize at the time how long this stuff can be drug out and the drama that would come with it. Wow... what a mess.. but.. it's not a huge concern to us as we know that she can't get custody of a child that she doesn't even attempt to keep in contact with. She's crazy, that's all there is to it.

Well, she called on Sunday. First time since Alan's birthday at the end of June. When she called that day, she claimed she had hurt her ankle 3 weeks before his birthday... so therefore had been unable to send him a birthday gift. Yeh right, but whatever... we gave her the benefit of the doubt. Well, when she called this past Sunday, she replayed the same excuse... her hurt foot prevented her from getting to the post to mail this child that she wants custody of a birthday gift.. and her phone was broken AGAIN.. and her internet was broken AGAIN... uhhu.. right. She didn't even ask to speak to Alan, which made the call even stranger. It was like she called JUST to make excuses to Hubby for why she's not doing right by Alan. Really odd.

Does divorce make people go stupid? I'm just wondering.. it seemed to have the same affect on my husband initially.. but at least he recovered. She has not recovered. Or maybe she was stupid before, I don't know. But it seems to me that stupid is contagious in divorce situations... there is a whole lot of stupid (along with selfish) involved. Sad really.. b/c it's the kids that suffer from the stupid more so than the adults.

I've noticed a whole heck of a lot of stupid in other families in divorce situations as well.. not just in mine. Well, stupid AND crazy. Stupid on the part of some Judges (luckily there are some very very smart ones as well), on the part of the divorced parties, on the part of the extended families... Mean and spiteful is a whole other issue.. there seems to be a lot of that too...

Grownups Say The Darndest Things

Oh, it's not just kids... adults say the darndest things as well! Actually, I like to say they lack a "filter" between their brain and their mouth.. you know, that little voice that says "Hey, maybe I shouldn't say what I'm thinking outloud." So, here is a list of some of my personal favorites and my responses (this should be fun):

Who's kids are they?
Response 1: I don't know... they were left in the back of my car and I thought they were kinda cute so I kept them
Response 2: God's
Response 3: What kids? I don't see any kids. Are you feeling okay?


What is his ex like?
Response: She's almost like a human.


Oh how nice, you have one of each! A boy and a girl!
Response 1: Yeh, b/c you know, having 2 boys and a girl would just suck.
Response 2: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you couldn't count... that's TWO boys.


Oh poor Alan... it's so sad that he doesn't have a mother
Response 1: Yep... very sad... b/c you know I'm just there for decoration
Response 2: And it's so sad that you don't have a brain too...
Response 3: Really? Geez! What the heck have I been doing for the last 4 years then?


Does he know you're not his real mom?
Response 1: OH! I didn't realize I was his FAKE mom! I'll have to tell him
Response 2: I'm not?!



To be continued....

It is what it is

I was thinking the other day... I was feeling a little sorry for myself for the drama that is caused by my husband's ex. I mean, she's not my ex, right? I shouldn't have to deal with her and the fallout from her behavior and the past choices of her and my husband, right? Yeh, I know I am right. I SHOULDN'T have to put up with those things, but it just kinda comes with the territory. I love my husband and my children and they are what really matters.

It's hard some days, though. It's hard to accept that this is the life of a stepmom. It's hard to not be upset and angry. It's hard to look at your life and realize that it could be so much different. It's hard to look to the future and know the pain that is coming your way and the drama you are facing for the next 11 years. But it is what it is. I let myself grieve for the life I don't have and wish I did. I let myself cry. It's okay to cry. It's not a weakness, it's a release... it's a way to let it all out and let it go. So, I sat in my car and just cried in the parking lot of Target with one of the cart boys looking at me like I was some nutso old lady. That's okay though, I'm not trying to impress anyone. Then when I was done I cleaned up my face, took a deep breath, and accepted that this is my life and this is where I'm supposed to be. God put me in this situation for a reason. There is a purpose for me being here. There is a purpose for me being a stepmother. There is a purpose for me being a second wife. It is what it is and I'm working on accepting it even through the hard parts, because the good parts are just too good to walk away.

Stepmother's Day

Yes! There is a Stepmothers Day! I had no idea that this existed until I became a part of the online stepmom support group that I'm totally addicted to. Anyways... I don't celebrate it. It's the Sunday AFTER Mother's Day (how fitting) if anyone is interested.. but in my mind, Step or not, I'm a mother and I deserve to be celebrated ON Mother's day just like every other mother in the US. Besides, just try and find a card at Hallmark for Stepmother... you might find 2 or 3.. but certainly not for Stepmother's day. It's just reality that Stepmoms/stepparents do exist... it's just like I said in my initial blog.. it's a reality that people just don't want shoved in their face. As one of the other stepmoms that I adore put it, I'm a living, breathing reminder of what can happen in a marriage... and no one wants to celebrate that. It's too bad, because I think stepmoms deserve some recognition for the hell that society as a whole and even our own family and friends put us through... and that we still stand strong, stand by our husbands, love on/care for our stepkids, and turn the other cheeks until we have no cheeks left. So, happy Mother's day to all the wonderful amazing stepmoms out there... you truely make a difference in this world.

Miracles do happen

For the first time, my hubby's ex actually spent money and sent something to Alan. I couldn't believe it when I saw it. Granted what she sent him and Michael (since I always send something for her daughter) probably cost her all of 5 quid, still... it's something and that's a first.

It's really sad when you get to a point where it's so unbelievable for your stepchild to get something (letter, gift, ANYTHING) from their biological mother (that claims to want custody of them) that you have to call everyone in your phonebook to tell them.